Hey you.  Don't forget that you are also an individual!  You should try to do things for yourself once in awhile.  Ask John to take the baby for a few hours and go and get a manicure or something that makes you feel good.  Or ask the grandparents if they'll watch Jr. so you guys can go out to dinner!

If you want to meet new people, sign up for a baby group or something.  I don't know what kind of options there are around you but around here there is tons of things to do and my wife does alot of things with the kids.  Baby yoga, music classes ( http://www.musictogether.com/ ), story time at the library, etc.

Life can get blah sometimes doing the same thing day in and day out.  It's up to you to make it exciting! 

Smile

JD

Re: SA- the Olympics are quite a big deal here, but you have to have satellite TV if you want to watch everything, which is a pain.  I think you'd be pretty surprised if you ever came to SA.  I think our cities and suburbs and stuff are quite similar to the States.  The main difference, I think, comes in because we have a lot of poverty here.  There are some places, a few kilometers from the suburbs where there are what you call Informal Settlements (more commonly known as squatter camps or shanty towns).  The poor people build up a whole bunch of houses using wood, cardboard, corrugated iron and stuff and create little mini "suburbs".  If there is a squatter camp near an area, there is inevitably a lot of crime.  But those of us who are much more fortunate live in proper houses, with all the good stuff- running water, electricity, etc. 
We are lucky to have abundant wild life, and Nature Reserves, but its not like the whole place is open land with giraffes and elephants and stuff running around
It is an awesome and beautiful country though. 
But, like I said- I think if you saw suburbia here you'd just think it could just be another suburb in the States.

I will try at some points to put up pics, I really enjoy it when people take an interest in my country. 

I am so glad that your man told you that- men don't often realise how important it is to us that they notice when we put in an effort.  Just a few kind words are all that is needed.  Yay him, 20 brownie points!

Hey!  I Just read your last four entries.  Sorry you haven't been happy with your husband lately, but I think you're on the right track in talking it over with him.  Sometimes us guys can be pretty lazy/dumb and don't know we're not helping enough. 

You sound like my wife sometimes re: the trendy moms and how do they do it.  That and not having any girlfriends to chat/gossip with...  Hope you're doing fabulous.  I haven't seen any pics of the little one yet have I?

JD

Hey   I started going back and reading your diary as well. 
A 50 minute run- that is awesome.  I love running.  I love that burn you get when you start to feel like you have to force yourself to keep going. 
It must be really hard to be a stay at home mom.  I used to go to gym in the mornings before work and I always envied the ladies who could come in when they pleased and exercise for as long as they wanted and then go pick up kids, help them with school work.  But it must be tough.  Your time becomes subject to what everyone else wants and expects of you and that cannot be easy.  It must also be hard for you to find a routine.  
You diary is not boring, by the way, I really like the way you write.     

Hey there... I saw you added me and I am going to add you too.  Wow, I really feel so sad for you.  It kind of made me go "whoa, that could have been me" too though.  I went out with a guy for about two months, well before I met Jason (my current boyfriend).  I had just come out of a really bad three year relationship and this guy, Andy, seemed perfect.  not the best looking, but he seemed so ambitious, and so ready to take life on.  He was already talking about desparately wanting to get married two weeks into our relationship.  Luckily though, for me, after about two months he started acting like a total jerk and I came to my senses before I could get too involved.  It turned out he wasn't that ambitious, and he was quite mean as well. 

I am so sorry you feel this way and that things are so tough.  I can't and don't want to give advice, but I will say that I will think about you.  I have made some really terrific, supportive friends here on MDD and I hope that maybe I can be one for you. 

Love Ally

Congratulations!  A ten pounder, wow!  Sounds like things were little rough for a while.  Glad to read that things are getting better for you.  Becky and I had a little girl on 10/3/07.  Let me tell you, it (looks) much easier pushing number 2 out.  Our son, who will be two in January(!) was a real good baby, our daughter does have a touch of colick and I can totally relate.  It is frustrating when she's just crying and there's no way to console her.  I am really happy for you.  I'm sure you'll be a fantastic mother.  And don't let that husband of yours treat you like anything less than a queen!  You deserve it!

JD

I am happy to hear they are getting better for you. I knew they would. Sometimes it just takes time.

Ashley

Wow, so heart felt when I was reading this entry.  I felt as tho, I will be the same woman when I have a child. 

But, like you, I have realized to be strong and independent.  I used to depend on my husband for so much because indeed, I wanted to be the "perfect wife".  I wanted him to realize that I would love him unconditionally,  no one in his life has ever given him that.  I cook, I clean, I take care of the dogs, I pay the bills.  And, while he was gone to Montana for 10 days.  It dawned on me that I had hit a glass ceiling.  I was making myself happy because I had to have control of everything.  I was upset because he wasn't calling me and telling me where he was every minute of every day.  Of course, he called me every day and would tell me how things were going but, it wasn't enough.  Then one day..., I was at work talking to the VP about how my husband hadn't called me yet, and he responded and said something to me very powerful.  He said "why do you need to know where he is?", "you are a strong individual and an independent person", he will love you more for giving him space and not always wanting to be in control and knowing where he is every minute of every second.  I took that deep into my soul and actually thought about what he said.  I looked deep within myself and realized that he was right.  He is my husband and I am his companion, not his mother not his babysitter.  Then I took a deeper look..., we should share the responsibilities, but then again, I love to do everything and be in control. 

So, when he came home from Montana.  It was different.  Just like you said in your entry, he held my heart in his hand.  When he felt like not giving me attention, he wouldn't.  When he didn't want to take the dogs out, he wouldn't.  Then in return, I would usually get mad and want to talk about it right away.  BUT, this time it was different.  I told myself I would respond in a respectful and independent woman that loves her husband but, won't be walked on.  I ignored him that night, I slept on my side of the bed and didn't want him near me.  Then next morning, FUNNY yet true, he tried his best to make me laugh, he tried his best to talk to me, I in return did not talk to him nor, did i acknowledge him.  He sneezed and I said nothing.  (this is very big with us because we usually say bless you when we do, yes I know..., but this was big)  he got the hint.  Of course, I went to work and did my thing.  I had meetings'  all morning and could not check my email.  When I did check my email and voice mail, I had 3 emails saying "where are you", and little funny things to make me laugh.  He had called and left a message.  HA!!!  GOOD!!!!  I didn't intentionally ignore him, I was just busy but, it worked.  Then I proceeded to write him an email stating all the things that bothered me.  He in response, agreed and said that he would be better, and that he loved and thanked me for all the things that I do.  What at relief!!!!!!

I feel so much better!  I love my husband deeply and he knows it!  And in return, he loves me!

Also, we haven't done anything for our Anniversary and that really hurt my feeling's.  We haven't done anything because we fell short on money.  I didn't even push that in his face when he left for Montana the second time.  But, he has been looking into prices for us to go away for 5 days to go visit Niagara Falls.  WOW!!!! I am so amazed! 

On another note, I haven't gotten my period yet.  I am 2 days late.  Maybe, I am pregnant.  That would be the greatest gift GOD could give me right now!  I would be so happy!!! I know it will be hard but, I am ready to raise a child of my own and become a family.  I want to make my husband a father.  This is weird but, I want to be pregnant!

[22dazed]

Once you get past the colic stage you will feel better about it all.

Ashley

It really sounds like colic. I would really look into it just to be on the safe side. Have you talked to his dr about how much he cries. They may be able to help you out more. There maybe something they can tell you to get or to do. I hope that helps out some.

Ashley

I promise it will get better. you can get your body back once you are able to workout. It is a very hard process, but you can do it. My baby will be 3 weeks Sunday and I hate the look of my body, an dI had a c-section. My belly is horrible looking now. It will be ok.

Ashley

If I was you I would talk to your babys dr about colic. That is what it sounds like.

Ashley

maybe the baby is colicky?  that could be the reason for so much fussing.  my second and fourth babies both had colic, and for the first three months of their lives, all they did was cry, scream, or want to nurse.  i was seriously depressed and exhausted by it all.  and then suddenly the colic vanishes and there is this happy, smiling, baby.

hopefully your smiling one will appear soon.

I m sure its very difficult right now for you. Especially if you feel like you are going it alone.

Im entering menopause. No baby. Yep. Im fat. Some pills I had to take caused weight gain and breast enlargement. Also made having a baby not possible.

Your little baby wont be so needy forever.

I forever have people telling me I dont understand anything about children. I take care of my nephew. That doesnt count.

You might one day be a grandmother.  My sister will.

There is alot of joy, but its balanced with the trials of raising a person. I hope you find someone to share it with, maybe it wont feel like so much of a trial if you go through the experience with another mother.

My heart goes out to you. God Bless!

No one can appreciate what you are going through unless they have been there.  I have been there.  Sometimes I think I am there now.

Hang in there...

Woooooah calm down hunni.

Just think of it like this;

You brought life to this planet. =]

D

x-x-x

I have four boys. Life is hard. 10, 9, 15 months and 8 weeks. I feel your pain. My oldest son cried for six straight months. He was an awful baby; nothing made him happy. My second was premature almost eight weeks. He didn't sleep at night...just all day long. My third is an angel.  He slept through the night by 6 weeks and to this day, he sleeps 12-14 hours each night and takes a good nap. My fourth baby is fussy. He complains regularly...fights the bottle...he doesn't nap that well.  He sleeps most nights but the days are hard.

I'm not sure things get "better"...but they certainly get different.  My oldest boys are good helpers. I thank God that they can run outside and play with friends unsupervised for the most part.  I have different problems with them (forgetting to brush their teeth, make their beds...)

The problems just change...you'll get through it.  I only know this because I live to tell...and can appreciate your story.

[4BoysAndAHusband]

It will get better! I just had my baby girl 2 weeks ago yesterday, and I have a 4 year old. It gets better as they get older. Its just really hard the first month or so. Good Luck.

Ashley

Good luck with your pregnancy!

xoxo

Awww....Thank you so much!

Ashley

worry is natural...but try hard as you can to "enjoy" creating this life.  don't let the worry take memories you will look back on later.

and the hunger is normal too.  i have four children....and only experienced mild morning sickness with one of them....so not every woman feels miserable.  be very glad you aren't buddies with the toilet...lol.

i'm like you...can't understand how someone thinks a little heart beating is not life.

   Glad your taking some alone time for you!   I love my alone time...I love my mate too.

   Happy New Year,

      Jewel

Congrats on your engagement!,

    Jewel

 Do they yell "Hi, IFOUNDME!" back?

   Thank you so much for taking the time to read my diary. I appreciate your input and support.  I look forward to getting to know you better.

   With Gratitude,

         Jewel

aww that is so cute..

they say "home is where the heart is" its true in your case

How exciting.  You should definately post pics.  So did you get anything good for your b-day?

Hello!!! My name is Hayley and i would just like to say i like your diary entry very much. It is sad to know about cars melting and the damages. I feel for you.

Happy Birthday.

Enjoy your time with John this weekend.

I am also camping this weekend

(Reply)

I wouldn't say Satan is the 'cause' of fallen humanity, as such - I think Satan is just the explanation more primitive Christians have thought up to explain man's evils.

But you're absolutely right, none of my comment disproves God in any way, nor was it an attempt to. That's the beauty of a religion, it cannot be proved, yet it cannot be proven false.

In my opinion, Christianity is the religion of guilt. Your entry is an example of that - whenever something good happens, it is automatically assumed that God did it and all praise goes to Him. But when something bad happens, the blame falls on humanity or a person in particular.

But that's just the cynical opinion of a non-believer.

SlicedBread

Thank u for the comment in my diary.
I agree w/your entry.
Honestly, I think we read for so long about eachothers lives, you start to want good things for people, and root for them in life, and love.
So....

who ya falling in love with?:)~~

E

Sometimes I think you take the words and thoughts out of my mind.  You explain it so well.  I sometimes feel that I need to be pretty in order for my  husband to love me.  I have to look attractive and act a certain way, so he looks my way.

But in reality,  they love us for who we are.  For the woman we are.  The woman we will become to the HIS children.  For the mother we will become.  For the sense of caring and loving feeling they get when they think of us.  When they come home and see us there.

I love you!!!!  Don't forget it!!!!

Your post made me cry. It sounds like something I could of written. I too push away all the people who love me. No one will be stronger than me, My walls are too high and besides if anyone saw me without my walls they would run the other way. Unlike you however I don't have a man like John. I applaud you for seeing this before it's too late, don't be scared. Love him like there's no tommorow. I know when I find mine, (if I find mine) I will do the same.

Good Luck

Celesta

To post pics, first you have to upload your pics to an online site that allows linking.  I put mine on Photobucket.com.  Then when you're writing an entry there is a button above that shows a little picture of a mountian and sun and when you put your cursor over it it says Insert/Modify image. Then you have to paste in the image URL and hit preview and it should show your pic.  I just learned how to do this.  Photobucket is cool because it gives you the [IMG] url and allows you to practice html.

So are you going to post some pics now?  : )

For such a crappy childhood you seem like a wonderful person.  Thanks for sharing. 

I am so happy to talk to you also.  It feels good to talk to my best friend again about what really is going on in my life.  It feels good to hear that you feel the same way I do at times.  It makes me feel like someone understands and someone can relate to me and not ever think I am psyco.  I miss you so much! :0(  I love you so much too.  I just wanted to share that with you.  I am thinking how much your friendship means to me.  Thank you for being you :0)

No, I am not pregnant.  I thought I was.  I was scared for a week.  I was off birth control for a whole month and then my period was scarce for awhile.  I was freaking out.  Thank the LORD that I wasn't pregnant.  I am not ready yet.  But, you know if it happens it happens, ya know.

Don't worry about your hair.  I was the same way, remember?  You told me it would grow back and it looked cute even though I didn't think so.  You are beautiful anyway you do your hair anyway.

We need to hang out!  The four of us!

hey chicka-dee

thanks for the comments on my latest entries... guys are sometimes just weird.. and i bet the minute u do get all excited and lovey-dovey about this wedding that doesn't quite exist yet.. he'll be the one feeling fat and icky.. lol.. men are strange creatures.  my ex took me ring shopping a year before we broke up.. he hadn't popped the question either but he was all excited about marrying me (or probably scared that since i was graduating from college and leaving him, i'd see what an a**h*** he was and leave him) so he decided i needed a ring in my life... after a few months apart.. the wedding talk ceased and he stopped making payments on the ring... sometimes guys feel it and sometimes they don't.. but take advantage while he's feeling it (fake it like we do during sex.. lmao).. start describing how you want the big wedding with doves and swans and a boat load of flowers and him in a snow white tux and tell him all the things he'll have to change when he gets married.. i promise.. he'll stop it and chill out for a while .. lol... have a good week girl! and i can't wait till he pops the question either... (crossing my fingers and toes)

m

hey chicka-dee

thanks for the comments on my latest entries... guys are sometimes just weird.. and i bet the minute u do get all excited and lovey-dovey about this wedding that doesn't quite exist yet.. he'll be the one feeling fat and icky.. lol.. men are strange creatures.  my ex took me ring shopping a year before we broke up.. he hadn't popped the question either but he was all excited about marrying me (or probably scared that since i was graduating from college and leaving him, i'd see what an a**h*** he was and leave him) so he decided i needed a ring in my life... after a few months apart.. the wedding talk ceased and he stopped making payments on the ring... sometimes guys feel it and sometimes they don't.. but take advantage while he's feeling it (fake it like we do during sex.. lmao).. start describing how you want the big wedding with doves and swans and a boat load of flowers and him in a snow white tux and tell him all the things he'll have to change when he gets married.. i promise.. he'll stop it and chill out for a while .. lol... have a good week girl! and i can't wait till he pops the question either... (crossing my fingers and toes)

m

thanks for the comments in my diary. Yes I am totally shocked too!

I really didn't see this coming.  Take care ~E

Oh, gosh - I thought I really missed out on some good entries when you started talking about a wedding!  *phew!*

Perhaps it's PMS to blame for not feeling clingy... It'll pass though. :)

Take care... I'll comment more later...

ive been reading ur entries and i cant wait for him to actually pop the Q..maybe hes got surprises up his sleeves? :) lol,its just funny...

well..keep us posted!

xoxo

i kno exactly wat u mean. everytime i get myself into a relationship, i always end up being something im not. then i go back to being myself after the breakup. i want a relationship so badly....n yet when i have it, its not like n e thing i wanted. God Bless.

~A~

yes, we tend to take on the
complete role of g/f, then wife
without thinking that is only
one aspect of our lives. 
just remember, you don't love him
any less by fulfilling the other
facets of your life...this i think is
our fear when in relationships.

there's so much more to each of
us...other than the person we're with.

with blessings, love and peace always!  rlw

hey girlie!

thanks for hitting me up.. and it's more than my pleasure to help and shed some light.. i found myself thinking about your entry and my comments all day as well.  it's crazy how something like that still has us thinking so many years after "separate but equal"... lol..

anyhoo... my AIM ID is on my profile so hit me up anytime (just add @aol.com  for my e-mail)... or just tag my diary... look forward to reading more from you.. keep up the good work!

M

Well IFOUNDME, i too am a Black woman.  My first best friend was a White girl.

Her name was Shana Cook and we were friends from 1st to 4th grade.  I went to a private school where in my entire grade each year, out of 30-something kids, there were only 3 Black children.  My mother even let me spend the night at their houses (which she never did with my Black friends). But I never knew that being friends with White people was a big deal until I went to a predominately Black school where I was called "stuck-up" and told that I spoke and acted "like a White girl"... my first prejudiced experience was from my own people.. isn't that f***ed up?

And it still continues... some people think it's weird that I think Elvis was hot (in his skinny days) and I love Gwen Stefani and Aerosmith.. which is cool today but back when I was in middle school, they'd call me a White girl for it.  

So to answer your question, I think Black women SEEM stronger because we're what's called a double minority.. not only are we Black, but we're women and we have to deal with so much to get what we have, that we'll do anything to keep it.  (sometimes even sabotage each other)...

We have to be the backbone of the family (did u know that nearly half of all Black families are headed by a single mother? The father is alive but not in the household).  And even though, like the other lady said, it's okay to be thick, if we want to work in entertainment (which is where I work), we have to have straighten hair, be a side six, and reliquinsh our "ghetto talk" to make it -- we have to invent this fake persona to achieve success... which is something we've done since slavery.   We do what we have to do and keep our mouth shut (till you cross us, then it's ON.. lol).  We even have to deal with the inbred racism.  Dark-skinned Blacks against light-skinned Blacks.  Sweetie, it's never-ending.  And after our battle in the racist world, we have to come home and tell our kids and family, "Everything's gonna be okay.  Work hard and you'll get what you want".. When sometimes that's only half-true.  Our people don't aspire to be doctors and lawyer anymore... they want to be professional athletes and recording artists.  We're raising entertainers instead of intellectuals (but that's another story).

I've had white friends all my life and I agree with the fact that they really truly will never understand where we come from.  I've had some of my close White friends go to college and dress in blackface and hang rebel flags all over their apartment.  And then invite me over and laught it off.

And I know most White people think we should "get over it"... but have you ever been with a significant other that completely stripped you of who you were and it took you what seemed like FOREVER to get back to the person you wanted to be.. 

Well imagine hundreds of years of it ... I know I wasn't on that plantation but my people were.  The difference between us and Hispanic people is they came to America because they WANTED to.  We were TAKEN.   I wish Southerners would let go of the Confederacy and the Civil War.  But they don't. 

No one is telling the Native Americans (who were given reservations because of the slaughter of their ancestors) to forget it... no one's telling anyone to forget the Holocaust.  And no military parent will ever be told to forget any of the Wars (look how many national days we have to honor wars!).  So we can't forget either.  Especially when we're being raised by parents, grandparents, etc. who had to live in Jim Crow days.  It's like forgetting where we come from, forgetting our people.  We weren't raised like that.

And to the person that said slavery exists in other places.. Yes it does.  But this sweetie is AMERICA, a FREE country. 

I have to admit that as an adult... I'm not friends with any White people anymore.  I have been told by a White man "You get along with White people don't you, you put them at ease.."  I almost decked him. 

White men seem to be attracted to me, but I want no part of it.  Like the woman said about never being best friends with a White woman, I could NEVER date a White man.  And some interracial relationships bother me as well.  Not all but some.  I hate to hear a Black man say he dates non-Black women because "they act better" or "are freakier" (which I've heard from White men is not all true).  And I hate to hear that White couples pay Black men (they call 'em Studs) to screw the wife.  Or to hear that White women seek out Black men because of what's in their pants, their wallet or just because they "like the color contrast"... but that's a different convo for a different day.

Now I find myself trying to reach out to White people, who like you, still have questions about us.  They want to know why Black women seem so angry.  Why we don't like White women with Black men.  Why every thing we say has to turn to race (and it doesn't, but some Whites feel that way).  So if you ever have a question IFOUNDME.. I can answer for ME and try to give you some insight.  The last thing we need is another decade or century of racial ignorance. 

Black Women have problems just like you.  Believe that.  We've just been dealing with it so long, some of us have learned to act like it doesn't bother us.  I wish you luck in find a close Black female friend.  Just know that it could be difficult because just because you're an open-minded person, doesn't mean the people around u are... !

(sorry so long) - M

hey,

i was reading ur entry and i found it real interesting.  First i wanna say that i know what u mean. i'm black,  but ALL women are self conscience.  I feel that its not so much self confidence its just in our culture to be the way we are.  we walk a certain way and talk a certain way that may seem as though we are unfazed by anything and have the most confidence in the world but me being a black woman i can say that i have many things that i'm insecure about. 

it all comes down to the stereo type of a black woman.  black women are supposed to be strong.  when something pisses us off, we speak it, without hesitation, part of black culture is that we make sure we are looking GOOD.  its a huge part of our culture and the way we act and walk is all apart of it.  it doesn't mean we don't have insecurities. 

But there is another part of it.  i'm not white so i cant really speak on what is sexy in white culture.  but basically when black women are heavier they aren't seen as fat they re seen as thick. a lot of men like black women that have extra weight,  u don't have to be a size 7 to be sexy, u can be a size 14 and  still be seen as really sexy.  i think that in the black community more sizes of women are more openly accepted by men, then in the white community.  i think that white women, when they're heavier they are seen as fat, and black women are seen as thick.  i may be over analyzing it, but i'm just tryin to make some sense out of it, just like u are. 

i never had a white friend until i went to college, mostly all my friends were black, or arab and my best friend is asian. the only reason i didn't have any white friends was because there were NO white kids at my high school.  even now that i'm in college there are still a limited amount of White kids at my school.  now that i'm in a setting where i come into contact with white people every day, i feel more comfortable being around them.  i have a few friends that are white are they're real cool.  i like hangin with them, although its very diff than hangin wit my black friends.

but i wanna say this and i don't wanna offend anyone.  i don't think i could ever have a white BEST friend, because we just don't have THAT MUCH in common.  i cant explain it, but its how i feel.  its like....i get discriminated against every day.  i get judged.  when someone looks at me its like what ever i do represents all black women.  if u go into a store like saks and its like, no one will help me cause they think i'm not buying anything, or they'll run up to me cause they think i'm gonna steal.  things like that happen to me every day.  in some form or anther.  every thing that white people say to me, if it sounds the slightest bit odd, i have to think in the back of my mind....are they racist?  was that a racist comment?  its always lingering....a white person could NEVER understand the plight of  black woman and thats why a white person could never be my best friend,  yes, we could be good friends, real close for years but never my best friend.  i don't mean that in a racist way, i just feel like that and i cant change it.

HI

dis is a gal! lol i tink dat u ave a point + some black people hav more confidence but not all der time#! i tink dat racism is a serious offence and it wouldnt b allowed if black peeps did it 2 us! so y is it diff 4 us it is ssoooo annoyin it really sometin dat i feel strongly bout.

plezzz keep ya diary up! i tink dat urs is 1 of der best coz it shows gd points sooo plezzz keep it UP!

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

[]

Wow.. I'm sorry I feel bad for you.  That must really suck.  I hope you feel not so bad later on!

                            ~Ash~

im sry u feel gross n tired. ill pray for u. God Bless!

~A~

Sounds awesome, can't wait to hear about the falls.

Good entry - I love these stripped, real entries you write... 

Anywho... I'm addicted to the boyfriend kissess/snuggles as well - I can't help but think what happens in 5... 10... 15 years to make that irresistable feeling of wanting to be so close - - well, go away.  I never remembered my parents - or for that fact, any of my family or friends' parents - snuggling or acting the way us 20-somethings do.  And it scares me that it could one day dissolve into a co-habitant relationship instead of the lust-love thing I originally had, and maybe this is a whole puppy-love stage, but I really do enjoy it...  so, yeah...

Ellen is the shiznit.  I absolutely love her.  I love her dances and the fun games and gifts she gives out... she's absolutely wonderful.

Well, take care - I haven't heard from you in a while... hope things are going well...

Cheer up sunshine.  You're still young and life lasts a long time.  :)

Its really adorable how you and John can sit down and do that - I was the same way - I would watch those tv reality shows - the Super-Nanny show for instance, and I would pick out things that I, too, would do differently.  I only have two problems with this concept... one is that I might be blind to it - when it could seem so obvious to someone on the outside but invincible to me.

The other problem is not with what I won't do - but what I cannot do.  Make sense?  I see these families with their four-car garages, their big fancy houses, being able to send "Timmy" to football camp and "Tiffany" to cheerleading camp - and it scares me that I won't be able to provide financially for him...  but on the bright side, I know that I will be there for the other 9-yards, and it makes me feel like a better person.

As far as God and trusting him - I'm with you on it, I have trouble finding any kind of relief in him either.  Don't think of it as a problem that you haven't gotten pregnant yet, think of it as a - oh I dunno - "you've been smarter" issue.  *l*  I'm pretty sure with a good season of contraception-free/wild-rendezvous lovemaking you guys will conceive the perfect little one.  And you know well that he will be the best, most perfect, most adorable little creature in your life!  And you'll be an awfully wonderful mother - I can read it in these entries.  ;)  Just take your time, enjoy your free-choice of movies before you become a slave to the Disney Classics.  lol.  Take care...

I hope you can give up on your Dad.  Try to remember he is a person, you do not have to like him because he is your dad, you do not owe him respect because he hasn't earned it.  You need to focus on you,,, let him out of your life, heart and thoughts and focus on getting well, and moving forward,,, you can do it.

You are NOT "damaged goods".  It is not your fault you dad has issues, remeber they are his issues do not make them yours.  Get past caring about him, that is the best revenge

Hey there IFOUNDME...  haven't heard from you a while... I just got done reading your last two entries... and here are my little comments and retrospectives... ;)

First up: "Some Adults" -
I had the same problem when I was young (holy crap, are we really related in some twisted way!?!) but it was somewhat - opposite.  See, my problem was that I could relate to adults more than the kids my own age - so instead of claming up in front of adults, it was in front of kids who couldn't understand why I would twist my words and sweat and stammer... yeah, I think we can get the picture.  *l*  Anyways... I blame it on the fact I never had any "real" siblings (I'll get to that issue in a moment) and I was use to the interaction between me and my mom's friends - not their kids...  even today I have trouble with people my age.  It really sucks how people can say small, nieve things like that - and that we can carry them on our shoulders for the rest of our lives. :(

Next: "Damaged Goods" -
My dad wasn't around either.  And although we (the daughters, of course) fantasize about being Daddy's little girl - some boys stay boys and never can grow into the father figure we need them to be.  My dad ended up getting married and - get this - adopted my step-mom's son as his own.  And to this day - I'm still super pissed - how could he call this boy his own - when I am technically and officialy his own flesh and blood!?!?  What the hell did I ever do to you, Dad, to make you not want to be in my life??  So I totally feel for you - and I really do understand how it hurts - and I totally wish I could offer some explanation for why these inconsiderate a**h***s can - literally - turn their backs on us.  And not just for a situation or moment - but for our whole f***in lives.  It doesn't make sense at all! 

And if anything, IFOUNDME, your dad is the one who is missing out, not you.  It sounds like you have tried to reach out to him and he hasn't really done anything to try to make up for his absence in your life.  So think of the best of things - that at least you gave him that choice to be in your life - and that it's his fault that he didn't take that extra step to follow throw with it.  Even from our little responses back and forth - I can tell your a really good person - your dad is the one that is missing out.

Phew!  What a long commentary!  Sorry for it to be so long - just trying to "reach out" and give my little two cents... I really should shut up now. ;)  Take care...

yea f*** dads. they suck ass. ive got bruises and cuts as proof.

love always,

taylor

Wow! Isn't amazing how those memories just out of nowhere...come out and make you think?  Thank you for the msg on my page.  I appreciate it very much.  Take care of yourself and enjoy the day.  Chick